Photo of the Week- Young Monk Between Rain Showers

Some days I miss working in print media and being a professional, mainstream photojournalist, but today I am very happy to have an outlet to publish whatever the heck I want. In that spirit, I think I have decided that each week I will choose a photo of mine I am particularly fond of and showcase it here. Please feel free to comment and critique.

(click photo to enlarge)
A young monk strolls behind a pagoda between rain showers in Phnom Penh, Cambodia
June, 2010

And Then He Died

I've been uncharacteristically silent this summer, both in my blog life and my personal life. I went to Southeast Asia for a month between May and June and it was such a deep, life-changing experience that, since then, I've had a hard time finding a voice to articulate this new space in which I have found myself. I wasn't expecting it to change me much. I was expecting an awesome, new experience where I would have the opportunity to see different countries and help some folks. I was expecting to try new food, be challenged in new ways, learn some languages and see exotic plants and animals. I was expecting to become maybe a little more compassionate and less afraid in the world, more comfortable in my own skin, but not much more. I wasn't expecting to have my heart wrenched open to feel so much so fast. I didn't know I could love and trust strangers implicitly. I didn't know I could cry with a grieving mother, with whom I shared no spoken language. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me first introduce you to Kien.

I am not generally a hugger. The reason for this is two-fold. On a superficial level, I am a bit of a germaphobe. I am extremely clean, and when I get too involved with myself, I avoid touching people, because I am afraid of their germs. How silly! On a deeper level though, I avoid physical closeness, because it suggests an intimacy I'm uncomfortable with. With intimacy comes attachment, and that attachment brings inevitable loss.

Before my trip to Southeast Asia, I recognized that my self-imposed isolation hurts myself and deprives the world of love that I do have the power to give. I felt like I was shaken out of a long slumber in February when someone I did not know well hugged me out of the pure joy of living. His heart is so overwhelmed by love of humanity that he hugged me upon meeting me, and it was infectious. Such an unexpected, genuine display of love felt really good and it surprised me. Very simply, it was so good to feel that way, I wanted to make other people feel like that, too. I also knew that much of my travels would be visiting sick and/or orphaned children who desperately need and deserve love. I made a decision the night before I left that during my travels I would hug any person who wanted it, no matter what their state. Jesus was on to something with that whole hugging the lepers business. That decision to reach outside myself and hug turned out to be one of the most transformational, sweet and painful things I've ever done.

My first real taste of touch and compassion came early in my trip while in Vietnam. There, the 100 Friends Project works with a few very impressive organizations and together, we do many great things, not the least of which is sponsoring medical care for children of impoverished families. My boss, our friends and I loaded a taxi van with five giant trash bags worth of stuffed animals, toy cars, and bean cakes and headed down to the children's hospital in Hanoi to visit the children we were sponsoring in the orthopedic surgery ward. It was happy a scene. These kids were all getting their desperately needed surgeries, so there were lots of happy families, lots of smiles, a joyful environment, because these kids they have a really good chance of being totally fine.

My boss meeting a happy dad in the orthopedic surgery ward

Then we went to the pediatric oncology ward, not such a happy place. Every kid was so sweet and every parent was happy to see us and happy to see their kids get toys. Some of them had good prognosises, but most of the cases were not so optimistic. I tried to remain detached, smiling at the babies, fluttering around at a distance with my camera. But then there was one little boy, Kien, who I really connected with and who stole and broke my heart. He was 2 years old with advanced brain cancer. He was a sweet, curious, active and an otherwise normal little kid, good natured and bright. He was in no obvious pain and completely oblivious to his plight. He sat on my lap for at least a half an hour, intensely interested in my camera, and he was tickled to push the big silver button and seeing the pictures appear on the back. That same day, his parents were told that there was nothing more the doctors could do for his cancer, and he was going to die within the month. We all took turns holding him and playing with him, indulging his every whim, kissing his downy hair and crying, because this sweet baby was not going to have many more chances to take pictures or play. It seemed like he could tell everyone was sad and he was actively trying to cheer us up with his silly toddler antics. As he sat on my lap, giggling and babbling away as toddlers do the world over, he entwined his soft little fingers around my hands, fearlessly exploring his world, fully accepting my existence as an entertaining stranger. His poor mother was the same age as me, possibly younger, and I sat with her for a long time, holding her and crying with her. She spoke no English and I speak no Vietnamese, but she held onto me and sobbed. In that moment, there was nothing anyone in the world could do for her but hug her and be kind to her son. I was blessed to be there for her in that moment and be taught the healing power of touch, in territory where language was superfluous.

Kien and his mother

A month or so later, soon after I arrived back in the Bay Area, I received an e-mail from our friends in Hanoi and they told us that yes, Kien had died. There were pictures of him attached to the e-mail documenting how bad the cancer was at the end, but I could never bring myself to look, because I want to always remember the happy little oblivious boy who played with my camera. I still cry every time I think of him, of the unfairness of life, our helplessness in the situation, and how the world is now missing the light of that sweet little boy. But I also cry from comfort in that my life was so blessed by that little guy, even for the extremely brief time I knew him. He changed me. I showered him with what love and affection I could in that moment, even knowing it was going to hurt to leave him. It was the right decision.

Kien and me

I am a quieter person now, a kinder, more understanding person. Part of that was from the experience with Kien (and other experiences on that trip I'll tell you about later). It's very hard, nee impossible, to close my heart again now that it's open. I joke with my husband that, to quote "Anchorman," "I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!" but it's true. I have all these feelings now, these warm feelings for my fellow humans (especially little humans), and I am often struck mute while dealing with them. As I work things out, I will share more of my heart with you, because I like you, and I hope my experiences are interesting to you, too.

Reintroducing Myself

As my husband and I fiddle with the blog and give it a fancy new makeover (with which we are about halfway done), I think it's a great time to reintroduce myself!

Here are 20 things you may not know about me:

1. My name is Grace Breedlove, and yes that's my honest-to-blog name, not some hippie moniker I made up for myself. I dropped my given first name when I was 18, because I really never liked it and started going by my given middle name, Grace. Then I met and married a dude with the last name Breedlove. It's pretty awesome.
2. My little brother is 8 years younger than me, and he is my favorite person. He's kind, funny and cooler than I'll ever be, and I would seriously do anything for him.
3. I freaking love cherry pie and I order it whenever it's available. I think it's because that was the only pie my mom didn't make when I was a kid and so I'm not like, "Oh, my mom's is better," as is the case with every other pie.
4. Also on the topic of pies, my pumpkin pie is actually better than my mom's and way better than any pumpkin pie I've ever had at a restaurant. When I get 150 followers, I will tell you my secret.
5. I am really into having adventures, going orienteering, trying new food, getting lost on purpose and making every new step in life an exciting event worth celebrating. I also love watching adventure shows in the comfort of my warm home, whether it's in the fictional form of Lost or Firefly, or in the realm of reality TV like Man vs. Wild or Out of the Wild, though Survivorman is my favorite. Les Stroud is my hero, because he is so zen about everything. Even Giardia.
   
6. I met my husband when I was miming at a carnival-themed party. He was the only person at the party who didn't try to talk with me, but mimed instead. When he called me the next day and left me a message, it was the first time I had heard his voice, though we had "talked" for hours the night before.
7. I have two chronic, severe digestive disturbances that I let control my life for five years, but traveling to Asia and dealing with them abroad earlier this summer gave me the confidence to not let my diseases define my experiences. Getting sick while traveling was not the worse thing that has ever happened to me.
8. I have three favorite books that I love equally: Love in the Time of Cholera, Life of Pi and The Name of the Rose. Those three books shaped my morality, faith, philosophy and my navigation of the world more than any other personal, religious or cultural influence.
9. I have absolutely no desire to run a marathon.
10. I also have absolutely no desire to give birth.
11. Before this winter, I hope to hike across Lassen Volcanic National Park alone.
12. Since I was in middle school, the number one place I wanted to visit was Angkor Wat. I finally got to fulfill that dream when I visited Cambodia in June and it was indescribably awesome.
13. My new number one adventure goal is scaling Mt. Kilimanjaro. Followed at number two by prostrating myself the entire way around the base of Mt. Kailash in a traditional Buddhist pilgrimage.
14. I love to sing, but I despise karaoke.
15. I feel most at home in places where no one knows me and I don't speak the language.
16. My husband and I have really exciting plans for starting an NGO. For now it's just an idea, but when it sprouts legs, you'll be the first to know.
17. I have a photographic memory.
18. I have a photojournalism degree from one of the best journalism programs in the country, and I used to get extremely discouraged by not having the investment capital to start a mainstream photojournalism career. Now I am so ridiculously thankful to be free to photograph what I want on my own terms and with my own ethical compass, to serve humanity, not the almighty dollar.
19. I believe the true moral value of a society is judged by how it treats those who are weakest: animals and children. Tangential to that belief, I hyper-focus on protecting children and animals.
20. I've been through some pretty brutal tragedy in my life, but I am so blessed to have this life and to be aware enough to recognize its blessings.

*****

I am reminded of a story from the life of the Buddha. Soon after the Buddha attained enlightenment, a man came across him meditating under the tree, and the man asked him who he was. The Buddha answered, “Imagine a red lotus that had begun life underwater but grew and rose above the surface until it stood free. So I too have transcended the world, and attained the supreme enlightenment." "Who are you, then?" the man asked again.

The Buddha said:
"Remember me as the one who woke up."

Pardon My Dust

I am currently in the process of resurrecting this blog and giving it a fancy makeover. My hope is that, in a few days, it will be more interesting, interactive, useful and professional. I will also no longer be constraining myself to writing about just yoga, though yoga will be, as always, the main anchor in my life and will undoubtedly still inspire much of my writing.

Many exciting things are on the horizon for The Fat Yogini, so stay tuned!

Going on an adventure!

Well, dear readers (if I have any left, ha!), I'm about to go on the adventure I've worked towards my whole life. My boss and friend at The 100 Friends Project, Marc Gold, has given me the opportunity to spend a month with him, traveling around Southeast Asia helping dispense aid to the people we help. In 2 weeks from right now, I will be in Tokyo, on my way to Bangkok. From Bangkok, I will go to Vietnam for a week, then to Cambodia for at least week. After that, the details are a little sketchy, but I hope to also go to Indonesia while I'm in the neighborhood. Every step of the way, I'll be meeting people whose lives have been or will be touched by the 100 Friends Project. I am so thankful and excited! Already on the agenda is distributing wheelchairs in Hanoi, teaching orphans in Phnom Penh, visiting Ha Long Bay in Vietnam, doing yoga on a beach in Thailand, fulfilling a childhood dream of going to Angkor Wat and hopefully joining my friend Dwight at his program, In Search of Sanuk, helping street kids in Bangkok. I am stoked!

But I'm also pretty scared.

I've never left the United States before. I don't speak Thai, Vietnamese or Khmer. I have never been to a tropical climate. I have freaking malaria pills packed in carry-on. MALARIA PILLS! I never thought I'd ever go to place where I need would need malaria pills! And this is the point in my inner monologue where I begin to question my sanity. Who the hell am I to be doing this? I'm nobody. I'm just a little country girl from a tiny little Midwestern town nobody has ever heard of. I have health problems and no one else in my immediate family have ever traveled abroad. My dad died without ever having left the continental United States. People like me just don't get to do things like this.

And yet, here I am, with a ticket to Thailand, a Vietnamese visa and those malaria pills.

Somebody pinch me, ya'll, because this is just weird.

Holy Jeeze, BUSY

Namaste, loves! I'm so sorry it has been forever since my last transmission from bliss. There have been many exciting changes! Most notably, I got a wonderful new job. Were it not so wonderful, I would not have been away so long. I have joined up with Marc Gold, the founder of The 100 Friends Project to assist him in making the lives of countless people better through thousands of individual acts of charity. Please click on the link above to learn about the wonderful work Marc is doing and maybe even donate to the cause. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to not only help him hold down the fort while he is doing his important work abroad, but to also join him in Southeast Asia later this year.

If my posting continues to be erratic, it is because I am doing many things for this wonderful cause. It is my goal to not have long gaps like this anymore, though. More to come!

Sending My Love to You

Last night, I decided to add a site traffic widget to see just how many people check out my blog, and to my surprise, dozens of people from all over the world visit every day! So, for all you mystery visitors, please leave a quick comment telling me how you found my site and what topics you would like me to address in future posts. Namaste and thank you for stopping by.

Please Remember Haiti

The immediate response to the disaster in Haiti has been overwhelmingly powerful, a beautiful display of solidarity, action and empathy, but as time drags on, the situation will only get more desperate and complicated. In the coming days, weeks, months and years of rebuilding, please, don't forget them. The soul of Haiti is the soul of us all and we must take care of each other.

Here are some wonderful organizations doing great work for Haiti. Do whatever you can to support them:

• Partners in Health have been on the ground in Haiti for over 20 years and right now they are in desperate need of assistance to answer the overwhelming need for medical attention in Port au Prince.
• The easiest thing in the world to help is to send $10 to the Red Cross by texting "HAITI" to 90999. Please, just do it. There is no excuse not to.
• The International Medical Corps is providing emergency medical assistance in Haiti and will be staying there to help rebuild their decimated health care system.
• Fill a shoe box for a Haitian child through Million for Haiti. Fill the box with the following: 1 travel toothpaste, 1 toothbrush, 4 granola type bars, 1 bottled water (16 oz.). Mail your shoebox to:

Million for Haiti
3500 American Blvd. #685

Minneapolis, MN 55431

Along with these national and international organizations, keep an eye out for what's being organized in your own community. Look at churches, community centers, yoga studios, crafting circles, and music venues to support their efforts for Haiti.

As you do everything you can by giving money, putting aid packages together, going to benefit concerts, participating in benefit auctions, and encouraging your congressional representatives to support Haiti, also remember the power of meditation. In your daily yoga and meditation practice, take a moment to send your positive intentions to the healing of Haiti.

We're all in this together. Namaste.