The Femininity Experiment

Since I value honesty and openness, especially in the pro blog and yoga worlds where we are under a constant barrage of pressure to be exceptional, I have a confession to make: Often, I don't feel comfortable in my biologically female body and recently I've been feeling less and less connected to the feminine divine and even more resentful of this somewhat broken vessel than usual. To not be totally accepting of myself in all my fertility goddess glory makes me feel like a fraud. What am I doing with this blog? Wasn't my original goal to try to inspire other women to accept their curves and fight the sinewy yoga body ideal? Yoga and acceptance for all, right?

Somewhere I lost my way.

Every day over the past few months, I've looked in the mirror hating what I see, not seeing my soft fullness, cellulite and scars for what they've brought me through, but only sending bile back at myself for not being a feather-weight yoga guru. Let me tell you, self-hate is no way to inspire yourself to go to the gym or have a daily yoga practice. No. If you're anything like me, you'll just carbo-load your emotions, go back to bed and completely neglect all the little rituals that make you feel better. I didn't even realize my self-image had gotten so bad, since most American women share this angst to some degree, until I befriended two women who don't buy in to that bullshit. They actual dig their bodies. I can honestly say that they might be the first American women I've ever met who don't in some way hate their corporeal forms. They are not super models. They are just normal women who don't waste time with self-hate.

Meeting them put a rather harsh mirror up to my face.

But not the way you (I) might expect. For the first time it dawned on me how much of my life is spent on comparing myself to other women and constantly tearing myself down. It's a thought-pattern that's hard to avoid. Women in our culture are trained from a young age to hate each other and view each other as competition, in dating, fitness, employment and even among female family members. It's passed from mother to daughter, both in warnings of other women and cruel, damaging behavior to each other. But when every woman you meet is playing that same game, it becomes a matter of course, of survival. The rules of The Game require harsh self-judgment to ensure you'll be better than all other women in this twisted beauty pageant of life.

But what happens when you meet a lady who doesn't play The Game?

At the first, my own nastiness and pettiness was starkly highlighted for me, as was my lack of self-confidence. Without cause to turn the magnifying glass on them, I turned the magnifying glass on myself, trying to pick out exactly how I had become a nasty, petty, self-loathing creature, which, naturally, only leads to more self-loathing. Doesn't that sound like a party? When you're the only one in the room wasting all of that time and energy on a ridiculous game of Mean Girls, the utter futility of it all becomes really clear with the resounding question:

Why the fuck would anyone do this to herself or others?

Is it fun? Does it help anyone? Does it make the world a kinder place? Does it line up with yoga or Buddhism, the soul of my soul? I think you know the answer. So, today I'm starting over.

I vow to be kind to myself.
I vow to stand up for myself.
I vow to extend grace to myself and others in order to cause no harm.
I vow to stop consuming media that tells women we are worthless.
I vow to be vocal against the casual misogyny that fuels The Game.
I vow to never engage in The Game ever again.
I vow to spend time on myself and stop being a people-pleaser.
I vow to not be afraid of being hyper-aware of my body through Asana.
I vow to honor the Feminine Divine daily.
I vow to start giving myself twice-monthly pedicures, again.

No matter your gender identity, will you join me in these vows?
(Okay, maybe not the pedicures, but [insert your own ritual that makes you feel radiant here].)

-Namaste-

Embracing the Feminine Divine

I have always been a little jealous of those rare Earth Mother types who truly revel in their femininity, whose Moon Cycles are a source of joy, who are brave enough to embrace their bodies in their natural states and not force themselves into the impossible boxes the rest of us spend our lives trying to fit. I wonder how these women are able to find such self-acceptance in the face of the sea of voices telling us we are wrong at our core. Whether its how we should dress, who we should sleep with, how fat/thin we should be, what our boobs should look like, how we should age (or, rather, not age), how we should hide our periods, how hairy we should be, when/if we should become mothers, what jobs we should take or what our sexuality should look like, everyone's opinion seems to be valid except for the individual woman. And, to be quite honest, it really gets me down some days. I can be quite unkind to myself sometimes, echoing these sentiments of a diseased culture that tells women their natural bodies are an abomination, and that sort of self-talk does nothing but make me feel chained to my body, instead of comfortably settled in it.

When I need to snap myself back into a place of gratitude for the gift of a female physicality, I get into a pose of strength like the Warrior Pose followed by a position of submission like the Extended Puppy pose, repeating them and similar poses to be reminded of my own power and the collective power of all women to nurture and heal. I also do everything I can to support my feminine health throughout the month to make my Moon Cycle less unpleasant, mostly with tea like Woman's Energy and Raspberry Leaf from Yogi brand teas and dietary supplements like powdered cranberry to keep my urinary tract healthy and a garlic-based supplement to keep my natural flora in balance.

Two cups of raspberry leaf tea make my debilitating menstrual cramps completely disappear without nasty painkillers (thanks to my friend, Kacie, for suggesting it). I was skeptical, but it actually (miraculously) works. Also, drinking a cup of Woman's Energy, which is Yogi Tea's take on the ancient Dong Quai formula, every night throughout the month greatly reduces my PMS symptoms when its about that time. When all of my systems are running smoothly, it is certainly much easier to appreciate woman-hood.

*Kali*

When I'm feeling small and powerless against the patriarchy, I remember the stories and traditions of ancient goddesses like Kali, fierce Hindu goddess of time and worshiped by some as the redeemer of the universe, or Demeter, the ancient Greek goddess of growth, fertility and the changing seasons. In a society overwhelmed with images of male warriors and deities, it is comforting to remember the ancient belief in the feminine divine within all of us.

Today, I am most thankful for the women, both online and in my personal life, who I can turn to with my concerns and self-doubt. Without these wise women, I would be lost. I have been blessed with truly great female presences in my life.

*To my female readers, what makes you most thankful to be women?*

What Does Yoga Mean to You?

In my post before the soup, I suggested that we do yoga every day, working towards a life-long "Yoga Month." Thinking about it since then, I have realized that "doing yoga" is very vague. What a daily yoga practice looks like in my life today is going to be very different from the Indian guru who has been practicing for 80 years or the high-powered attorney who does Ashtanga to power up before court. As a matter of fact, my yoga practice today isn't going to be the same as my own practice 20 years from now. So, what does it mean to "do yoga?"

Western cultures put a lot of popular focus on Asana (postures), because they are the easiest to see, feel, teach, and, for the able-bodied, easiest to do. They are the external tools for internal change. The rhythms of squeezing and releasing, bending and extending help us be more mindful of our breath, the purifier and facilitator of meditation. Of course, Asana has all of the side benefits of flexibility, strength, circulation, detoxification and general health, which are awesome by themselves, but we mustn't get wrapped up in the pursuit of them. There's a very cute animated short that has been circulating the net for a while that sums this up nicely.



The external rewards should not be the ultimate goal. Asana alone is not yoga. There are seven other limbs to choose from in our daily pursuits, the sweet fruit of sweaty Asana. They are:

• Yama (abstentions)- not harming in word, action or inaction
• Niyama (observances)- austerity, contentment and non-grasping
• Pranayama (breath control)- using the breath to purify and facilitate meditation
• Pratyahara (abstraction)- resisting identification with external stimuli
• Dharana (concentration)- fixed attention on a single object/idea
• Dhyana (meditation)- intense contemplation on the true nature of existence
• Samadhi (liberation)- merging consciousness with the whole of existence
  

Of all of the yoga limbs, the one that is most prominent in my life is my commitment to non-harming. I am drawn, at a level of vocational compulsion, to facilitate life and health for all beings. Sounds great, right? Sure, on a conceptual level, who actively wants to cause harm to others? Very few of us, I would imagine. On a practical level, however, it's less simple. It is not active harm that I need to check myself about, but my unconscious reflexes. I'm not about to go eat a big greasy beef burger, while driving a giant, gas-guzzling SUV and splashing old ladies with puddles. What I do need to worry about is the harm I can cause with my words and apathy. I must be constantly mindful to never be complacent towards harm or allow myself to do things that cause harm to me or anyone else. I am rambling a bit now, but my point is that, we can do yoga every day without necessarily stepping foot on a mat. We can do it in our speech, with our temperance, with meditation and concentration on our breath. I like to expand it even beyond the 8 limbs to include anything we do with kindness, selflessness and intention is yoga. My daily practice includes mindful speech, keeping my home clean to provide comfort to my mate, guests, and students, cooking nourishing food for my family and taking a few minutes to find peace in my breath. On a perfect day, my practice also includes lots of Asana, a trip to the gym and a blog entry, but life isn't perfect. There is no universal daily ritual to "do yoga," because every day is nuanced and different. The beauty of yoga is in its all-encompassing flexibility in what it means to be yoked to existence in its holy pursuit. I'm very curious to hear what leading a yoga life looks like in your world, so please comment about your daily practice!

Making My Own Yoga Month

September was National Yoga Month, and normally timing doesn't matter to me when community-wide events happen. I become aligned with the rest of my community, open and flowing in communal yoga bliss with great ease. This September, however, that was not the case. As of late, I have been woefully out of balance. I suppose it began with the soaring heights of joy and excitement I experienced early in the summer upon walking away from capitalist, Western pursuits to dedicate myself to the call of teaching yoga. I was feeling more expansive and sure of myself than ever before. As the excitement and action grew, I completely latched on to this idea of who I was "supposed" to be as a yogini, ever-smiling, ever-excited, never disappointed, sad or lacking confidence, instead of showing myself the grace to become at my own pace. When that initial excitement wore off, as can be expected in the natural course of things, it was followed by a series of emotionally grounding events that I did not accept with grace. I became discouraged and listless, grasping for my dwindling high and disappointed with myself that I couldn't be the "perfect yogini" (whatever the hell THAT is) every day, or even at all. The height of this negativity culminated right at the beginning of Yoga Month. I became careless with what I was feeding myself, comfort/stress eating instead of seeking mindful nourishment and looking at my yoga practice as a chore, not a tool for transcendence. Unsurprisingly, I became very ill. Chronic problems long dormant reared their nasty heads and I found myself able to do little more than lay in Savasana on the couch for two weeks. That gives a humbled yogini plenty of time to contemplate her choices with 20/20 hindsight.

Attachment had bit me in the butt yet again. It sneaks and creeps up on me when I am most distractedly happy. Detachment is certainly easier for me when I am in unpleasant circumstances, but in those moments when I am ablaze with joy, I want that feeling to last forever. Over the summer, I had a wonderful time experiencing the bliss of epiphany, but instead of accepting that moment for what it was and letting it pass away when it was time, I clung to it long after its expiration date. By not ceding my attachment to one moment, I denied the advent of new moments, new epiphanies and thus ensured my own suffering and imbalance. Who, besides the most advanced gurus, does not instinctively prefer joy to sorrow and ease to difficulty? A more immediately attainable goal than overcoming nature is to remember in the moment that my preference for comfort is not necessary to my own bliss. Never has it been more clear to me that to walk the path means to shun attachment by treating the great highs and the most crushing lows with the same regard. They simply ARE.

Essentially this long-winded post is me publicly recommitting to my practice of yoga and unity, body with spirit and the self with the whole. I know now that I can only approach this life with patience and unconditional love for my limitations. I am, in this moment, utterly grateful for such a starkly contrasted experience in attachment and I will carry it with me in the hope that I will not repeat it at such an extraordinary scale. October is my new yoga month, which will carry on to a yoga year as I commit the rest of my days to living a Yoga Life. Won't you join me?

Namaste

The Age of Instant Gratification and the Modern Yogi

Is the yogic path inherently at odds with modern life?

A few years ago, when I was younger and more of a zealot, I would have said yes to that. Before I moved to an urban environment, out of the pastoral utopia of rural southern Indiana, I would have claimed that off the grid was THE only way to effectively transcend this plane of existence. As life would have it, I was brought to a very urban environment, with all of the distractions and seething bits of humanity one would expect here. There is early morning construction and abrasive late-night neighbor noises. There are gun shots, earth quakes, and every pathogen expected in a buzzing hub of immigration and tourism, high-speed internet and HD cable. One might think so many wonderful and awesome distractions would make my meditation practice more challenging, my quest for peace and detachment from materialism, futile. But does it?

Short answer: no. Think about it and give me your own thoughts in the comments.

A more interesting question is HOW meditation and moderation fit in a world of one-click buying and being able to indulge one's every whim, given the resources. Yoga and the Middle Way emphasize the detachment from grasping and I think the issues yogis take generally take with the modern world is the unfettered grasping, the way our culture rewards greed and cruelty in the pursuit of ever-more. The Middle Way provides the antidote to grasping through mindfulness. Being mindful of one's desires can go a long way to minimize your own impact on humanity's carbon footprint and limit your contribution to the ugly habit of modern consumerism. Meditation is one tool that can help cultivate the mindfulness necessary to navigate the urban setting as a yogi. Even the Christian Bible supports mindful living with God imploring us, "Consider your ways." Consider your every purchase, your every meal. Yes you can get anything you want as fast as you want if you have enough money, but do you need it? Does it nourish your soul? Is there a way to get the same thing with less environmental impact? Are your choices depriving someone else of their human rights? Is there a more ethical use for your resources? These are the questions we must be vigilant in asking ourselves amidst the many-splendored temptress of the urban environment and one-click technology.

We need peace and meditation and we can get tap into it anywhere. On the bus, in the financial district, in the ghetto, anywhere we find ourselves, if we are mindful of our thoughts, we can be a force for peace. The world is beautiful and miraculous no matter where you are, no matter how concrete your neighborhood is. We are constantly enveloped by the awe-inspiring vibration of the divine in the universe, pushed towards nirvana and expansion as we embrace open hearts, open minds and the throbbing, raw expanse of existence that transcends environment.

Namaste.

Of things to come

I'm putting together a post on being a yogi in the age of instant gratification and it's taking a while since I've been besieged by a migraine for the past few days.

So, in the interim, please consider and discuss this question:
Is the yogic path fundamentally in opposition with modernity, urban environments and one-click culture?

Talk amongst yourselves!

Why "fat?"

I'm Grace, the Fat Yogini, and I welcome you to my new cyber-home.

The name of a blog is very important, so why did I choose such a polarized and loaded adjective as "fat" to describe myself and brand my blog? Because, well, a little fat isn't a bad thing! In the West, we have been trained through our socialization to recoil from "fat," to be repulsed by even a few extra pounds and associate it with laziness, gluttony, and any number of other moral failings. The cultural fixation on thinness (not to be confused with healthiness) promotes the idea that there is but one paragon of physical perfection, and it doesn't involve any extra padding. Instinctively, we all know that every person has a different body, with a different metabolism, different needs, and different physical manifestations of "healthy," yet that doesn't stop us from buying into the idea that we should be thin, no matter the cost. We can see the psychological repercussions of this toxic social pressure in the epidemic of eating disorders, rates of cosmetic surgery, and the fact that the sale of anti-aging products and diet "tools" are a multi-billion dollar industry.

BUT WHY?! Fat isn't bad. We need fat to survive and to procreate. BMI is an antiquated arbitrary calculation that has been proven an inadequate measurement of health, seeing as it does not take into account bone or muscle mass. What is important is not some arbitrary ratio or pant size, but instead eating to live at the ideal size for YOUR body, not someone else's standard.

What is shocking to me is that this unhealthy obsession with healthy-equals-bone-thin is leaching into the American yoga industry. Yoga is being advertised more and more as this awesome "new" weight-loss trick, the magic bullet for fitness and the fountain of eternal youth. The popularity of Bikram Yoga, despite embodying a philosophy wholly antithetical to yoga's purpose, only highlights the industry's wholesale embrace of thin and "pure" by any means necessary. Is it that the wider American audience is not interested in a yoga that is meditative and welcoming to people of all sizes or is it that we just don't know what to do with a physical pursuit that isn't thin-driven? (I don't have the answer to that, but please feel free to voice your opinion in the comments section.)

Full disclosure: I am a yoga instructor and I have been practicing various types of yoga for almost 13 years. I am technically overweight (say it with me now, screw you, BMI!). When I am at my healthiest, which means nurturing my own yoga practice, teaching yoga and/or working out moderately 5 days a week, practicing poi, running after my nephew, and eating a low-fat, vegan diet, I am consistently 5-15 pounds "overweight." I'm not going to lie and say that I'm entirely okay with my naturally stocky build, trying to thrive in an industry chock full of naturally lithe and beautiful women, but really, what the heck am I going to do about it? I can't change my body type. I can't change my passion for yoga and my desire to help people. I can only work to be the healthiest, most energetic version of me possible and to help others do the same. This is what this blog is about: to promote, in the spirit of the yogic philosophy of non-harming, an embrace and a love of our bodies at all stages, working towards a goal of health that is not wrapped up in how thin we become. We are here to be strongest, healthiest version of ourselves, mentally, physically and spiritually, and yoga is an invaluable tool in that pursuit. Thanks for reading and I hope you stay.

Be well.